The Will of the Force
by an-angel-in-hell
Summary: While undercover, Siri meets Xanatos, and they form a strong bond. When Siri's mission ends, Xanatos trails her to Coruscant- but is arrested, forcing Siri to choose between the Jedi and the man she has come to love. Siri/Xan, AU
1. Fight the Good Fight

The Will of the Force

Summary: While undercover, Siri meets Xanatos, and they form a strong bond. When Siri's mission ends, Xanatos trails her to Coruscant- but is arrested, forcing Siri to choose between the Jedi and the man she has come to love. Siri/Xan, AU

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to people who aren't me, apart from the odd OC. I wish it were all mine, but it isn't.

Author's note: The events of this story are set around Jude Watson's_ Jedi Quest: Path to Truth_. So if you haven't read the novel, be forewarned that this fic basically gives away most of the plot.

If you're unfamiliar with Jedi Apprentice or _Path to Truth_, or have forgotten some stuff, I've put together all necessary background information here: http : / / emthejedichic . livejournal . com / 4752 . html (just remove the spaces).

Chapter One- Fight the Good Fight

-

_There's trouble down here _

_There's trouble down there _

_But every day that goes by _

_I swear it's harder and harder to care _

_I fight the good fight; I do the best I can _

_But man sometimes it's impossible to _

_Stand where you think you should stand_

_-Jackie Greene_

A/n 2: Yes, I referenced Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Props if you can spot it.

-

(Siri)

Krayn doesn't tell me why we're leaving Nar Shaddaa. He simply shows up at my door one morning and says, "We're going to Tatooine."

I nod, grabbing my comlink and blaster, and follow him out to the landing pad. I don't ask the purpose of the trip. I know Krayn doesn't fully trust me yet, even though I've been working for him for a year now. The best way to earn that trust is to just shut up and do what he says.

We board Krayn's private shuttle. He waves toward the pilot's chair. "Fly us there. Land in Mos Eisley."

I nod again and go to do as he says. I remain focused on the task at hand until I make the jump to hyperspace. Then I allow myself to relax for a moment.

Working undercover isn't what I had thought it would be. I had expected to be able to handle it. I had expected to be completely driven by the righteousness of infiltrating Krayn's operation. And I was. But I was also finding that there were things I had failed to anticipate.

I remember the first time my loyalty had been tested, about a month after I'd gotten in with Krayn's operation. Krayn and I went down to level twelve of the mines on Nar Shaddaa to supervise production. Level twelve is the least productive, for reasons no one understands. It makes Krayn livid.

There's a slave boy who can't be more than thirteen struggling with a gravsled that I suspect he doesn't know how to use. I look around, hoping to be able to knock something over with the Force in order to distract Krayn, but he spots the child before I can. He scowls, and tells me to make an example of him.

"You, boy!" I call.

The boy spins around, fear evident in his eyes. I force myself not to soften my gaze.

"Don't you know how to use that gravsled? No wonder production's down on this level!"

"Shoot him." Krayn orders.

The boy's face contorts. He falls on his knees and begins pleading with Krayn in Huttese. I don't speak the language, but I get the idea.

I turn to Krayn. "He's just a kid. We need every worker we can get. What will killing him accomplish?"

"He's a lousy worker, probably more of a hindrance than a help. Shoot him, Zora."

"C'mon Krayn," I wheedle, putting some Force-assisted persuasion into my voice. "I don't need to shoot him."

"If you won't do this for me, Zora, then maybe I can't trust you after all."

"Look- you can trust me!" I insist. "I'll do your dirty work, but killing kids is different!"

"It's only a slave, Zora."

And that's the difficult part, isn't it? Because to Krayn and everyone else in this business, slaves are worthless. And if I'm going to make it, if I'm going to keep my cover, I have to act as if I feel that way, too.

So there it is. I know that I'll never earn Krayn's trust if I don't kill the boy, and I don't dare try to push his mind any farther. What a choice. I can't compromise my mission. That I know. But I'm not a murderer, and to kill this boy will completely violate the Code that I've lived by all my life.

However… there's a stack of durasteel crates near the lift. Reaching out with the Force, I jerk my hand the tiniest bit, aware of how dangerous it is to do this with everyone watching.

It works. The crates fall to the ground with a tremendous crash.

Krayn's head spins in their direction. "What the-"

The boy, taking advantage of Krayn's distraction, turns and runs. I had hoped for this to happen, although I know full well that there's nowhere for him to go.

Krayn turns back to the kid, sees him running, and in the blink of an eye draws his blaster and shoots him in the head.

I feel sick. The Force had alerted me to what he was going to do, and I could have stopped him… if I'd wanted to blow my cover. I'd had no other choice… had I?

Krayn turns to look at me. "Take care of the body," he says coldly.

I shake my head, clearing my mind of the memory. I had done what I judged to be right in the moment. It was over now. No use dwelling on what had already happened. The past could not be changed. _If dwell on the past you do, prepared for the future you are not. _It was what Master Yoda had said on more than one occasion, and it had been a great comfort to me of late. There had been other times in which I had not been able to deter Krayn, and he soon forced me to prove my dedication to him.

I stand and leave the cockpit. Krayn is lounging in a comfortable armchair in the main cabin, drinking Corellian whisky. I pour myself a glass and sit down in another chair.

"Tatooine," I say.

Krayn nods. "Tatooine. I have some business with Jabba the Hutt."

"Business?"

He nods again. "Business."

So he isn't going to tell me. "I see."

"We'll land in Mos Eisley. I'll go to see Jabba, and you can look around the city if you like."

I'm annoyed, and a tad disappointed in myself that he won't be taking me along. "Don't you think I should go with you? Many go into Jabba's palace that don't come out again."

"Jabba the Hutt is my equal, not my superior. He knows the consequences should I come to harm under his roof."

I nod. If Krayn were worried, he would have taken Rashtah with him. The Wookiee might not intimidate Jabba, but he would certainly put off most would-be assassins. Still, I'm a little surprised that the slave trader doesn't want anyone there to watch his back and glower at people. Obviously this business is serious, and going alone is a gesture of goodwill.

Krayn had left Rashtah behind to supervise the factories. Rashtah, his trusted and unwaveringly loyal companion. Rumor had it that Krayn had sent assassins after Rashtah shortly after making his acquaintance so that he could publicly save his life and thus incur the Wookiee's gratitude. I don't know if there's any truth to it, but I wouldn't put it past Krayn to deliberately incur a Wookiee life debt.

The fact that Krayn has left his second-in-command behind is significant. It's his custom to take him along on these journeys only if he has a trusted associate to supervise in his absence. He doesn't trust me to do that yet. I'll have to try harder to prove my worth.

We talk business until the ship comes out of lightspeed. We land in Mos Eisley, and Krayn departs, renting a landspeeder to take him out to Jabba's palace.

Still irritated at having been left behind, I walk into the town. I buy a few trinkets in the marketplace, thinking that I might take them back to my friends, if this cursed mission is ever over.

Sometimes, I miss the Temple greatly. The lake, so tranquil and beautiful, where I've swum countless times with my friends. The Room of a Thousand Fountains, so calm and peaceful and perfect for meditation.

I shake my head. This is no time to get sentimental. The mission won't last forever. The Council had said three years at the most. I'll see the Temple again, as well as my friends. Obi-Wan, Bant, my master- I'll see them again. I have to believe it. Still, though- sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. This mission wasn't assigned to me, I'd volunteered for it. Up till then I'd had little real undercover experience, so what had possessed me to volunteer for a three-year mission?

Well, never mind that. The suns are setting, and I'm decidedly hungry. I decide to check out a local cantina I'd heard of. It's supposed to be the best in the outer rim, despite having a somewhat shady clientele.

I find the place easily enough, at the end of a main road. It doesn't look like anything too special from the outside, and I'm not much more impressed once I enter. It's filled with nic-i-tan smoke; a jizz band is wailing in a corner. I walk in behind a group of Rodians, and they stop on the threshold to let their eyes adjust to the dim lighting. I do no such thing- having noted the dimness on the way in; I'd closed one of my eyes to give it extra time to adjust. I open it once inside, and can see fine. I stroll right in without the slightest hesitation.

The cantina is filled with beings of all species, from every walk of life. I blend right in. I know I look fierce and dangerous, at least to the casual observer. My Zora disguise is comprised of animal skins and blast padding, and includes a variety of weapons (my lightsaber is not among them- carrying it is far too risky). My hair is dyed red, smeared with grease, and has deadly looking sharp pointy things braided in. Even after a year, I feel like I've just walked off the set of a holodrama.

I walk further into the room- and reel at the sensation that sweeps over me. It's the Force, calling to me, telling me- what? I don't know. It doesn't feel untrustworthy or ominous. It's a pulling sensation, but I very determinedly do _not_ follow it. I've been told to trust the Force since before I could walk, but this doesn't feel quite right to me.

Instead, I go up to the bar and order a Sonic Survodriver. The sensation doesn't abate, so I acquiesce only enough to look in the direction it's leading me.

There is a dimly lit booth in the corner, and in the booth there is a man. He has an air of elegance, like he's better than the scruffy spacers that hang round the bar, and knows it. He's pale, with shaggy dark hair and shocking blue eyes. He's looking at me with surprise, and I immediately know that he feels the same thing I do.

I feel blown away by the sensations that barrage me when I meet his eyes. Familiarity is the strongest of them, but there's a sense of complete and total rightness, too- as though I've just found something I didn't know I was searching for.

I realize I am staring and turn away, taking a generous gulp of my drink. I can sense, without turning round, that he has gotten up and is walking towards me. I take another sip.

"Hello there," he says.

I give him a quick glance- _Force;_ he's even more breathtaking up close. He's older than he'd seemed from a distance, but he's aged well. Apart from the streaks of gray at his temples, I doubt his appearance is much different than when he was a young man. As it is, he isn't _old-_ at most; he's in his forties. Despite this he manages to be incredibly attractive. I look away, hoping he hasn't noticed me staring. "Hi," I say shortly.

"Why don't I buy you a drink?" He speaks in a rich Coruscanti accent. Mine is the same, but I've been careful not to use it while undercover.

"I've got one." I reply.

"Hardly," he remarks.

True, my glass is over half-empty. And he intrigues me- probably more than he should, but…

"All right," I say. "You can get me a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster."

He grins. "Tough girl, eh?" His comment isn't surprising- the potency of the drink is well known.

I raise an eyebrow. "What tipped you off?" I ask sarcastically.

He chuckles, giving me a once-over. "Indeed."

He orders two of the drink, one for each of us.

"Sure you can handle it?" I tease.

"It would make your head spin to know just how much I can handle," he says seriously.

"Ah, modesty," I say wryly.

"And I assure you, I am the most modest man you'll ever meet. Now, would you care to join me somewhere a bit more private?" he asks, gesturing towards the booth he had previously been occupying.

"As long as you don't try anything," I warn, hopping down from the barstool and following him to the booth. "Else you'll wind up with a smoking hole in your skull."

He smiles, looking amused. "If you tried that, you would find your blaster flying out of your hand before your finger even touched the trigger."

I frown. That sounds like- "And just how would you make that happen?"

He gives me a knowing look before he sits down. The booth is semicircular, and instead of sitting on the edge, he slides in towards the middle, inviting me with a gesture to do the same. "Just the same as you would."

I freeze. _Stupid, stupid!_ This is a trap! "Look," I begin, "I don't know what you're-"

"Relax," he says. "I mean you no harm- now sit."

I do so, staying on the outside edge of the booth. "How do I know I can trust you?"

He sighs, then pulls up the hem of his tunic, revealing a thin utility belt with a few small pouches- and a lightsaber hanging from the left side.

My first impulse is relief- but I stop myself from showing it. Yes, the undercover operatives are unorthodox, but they aren't _this_ unorthodox. If this man is a Jedi working undercover, he would have given me one of the pre-established code phrases- asking me if I'd like to play a game of Pazaak, for instance, or making a reference to 'the widow's son'. "You aren't a Jedi."

"I was, long ago."

"And this should matter to me why? I don't know anything about you Jedi, and I don't care to." I doubt that he'll believe that at this point, but I have to try.

He sighs. "You don't have to lie to me. There's no shame in having left the Order. I did, after all."

He assumes I've left. I suppose that's the best I'm going to do. I don't think I can convince him I'm not involved with the Order at all by this point, and if discovered as a Jedi, I _had_ been instructed to say I'd left. I wonder why he had left- and, for that matter, who he was. I study him for a moment. "I don't think I know you."

"You know of me," he replies.

I snort. "What makes you so sure?"

He smiles grimly. "Take a closer look."

I study his face. Pale and thin, I can easily see his cheekbones. As a matter of fact…

I suck in a breath. There, just below his right eye. A scar in the shape of a circle- except the circle was incomplete. Broken. "Xanatos," I breathe.

He smirks again. "Yes, that's right."

I narrow my eyes. "I was friends with Obi-Wan Kenobi, _and_ Bant Eerin. Bruck too. Tell me why I should even give you the time of day."

Xanatos laughs. "Well, if you know Obi-Wan, surely you know that I'm supposed to be dead?"

"Yes…"

"That was years ago, _before_ Qui-Gon was killed. Yet I did not act against the Jedi during that time. Care to guess why?"

"No." I say bluntly.

"Very well then, I shall inform you. When my former Master and his Padawan had me backed up against that acid pool on Telos, I had no way out. No back door. When I leapt into the pool, I fully believed that I would die. Yet I did not. It was the will of the Force. I was being kept alive for a purpose, and somehow I thought that it was _not_ to kill Qui-Gon."

"So, you've reformed?" I ask, skeptically.

"Yes and no. I have left the Jedi Order alone for many years now. I am still the CEO of Offworld Corporations, our direction has not changed-"

"Meaning that everything you do is still illegal." I say with a grin.

Xanatos raises an eyebrow. "You do not condemn me for this?"

I pause, shocked. I didn't think of it that way- but it's true, when he had mentioned his illegal activities, my first reaction was amusement. But I _do_ have to keep my cover, I remind myself. He was able to tell that I was a Jedi, but that's to be expected, seeing as he's an ex-Jedi himself. I need to stick to my story.

"I left the Order a year ago, and I'm not going to claim that I've adhered to Galactic laws since then," I finally say. It 's only a half lie, after all.

"I see." Xanatos says. "Tell me-" he pauses. "I don't know your name."

I hesitate for a fraction of a second, _Siri_ on the tip of my tongue. "Zora Jade," I say.

"Tell me, Zora, why did you leave? I'm sure you've heard _my_ story, it seems only fair that I hear yours."

"My master," I say. I'd committed this little fiction to memory long ago. "Just before I was to take the trials, we had an argument. She disowned me as her Padawan without recommending me for Knighthood. I was so furious, I left the Order."

Xanatos nods. "It seems our circumstances are somewhat similar."

"Only I didn't kill anyone," I can't help but point out.

He shrugs. "Qui-Gon killed my father."

I don't know the details of Qui-Gon and Xanatos' last mission, but that's not going to stop me from arguing. "Qui-Gon killed a corrupt dictator, because he was forced to. It shouldn't have mattered to you that he was your father."

Xanatos raises an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you still believe all that claptrap, Zora."

"I- look, just because it didn't work out for me being a Jedi doesn't mean I don't still have respect for the Order."

"But to believe that rot? You can't be serious. If you left, it means that you have _sense_."

"I won't deny that a large part of the Order's teachings are over-restrictive nonsense," I say, acting the part. "But not all of it."

He sighs. "Well, you've only been out a year. And you didn't have as good of a reason for leaving as I did- no offense. But I should think that, with time, you'll get used to living your own life. And you'll realize how ridiculous they really are."

"Maybe so," I reply noncommittally.

He changes the subject. "So, Zora, what do you do now?"

"I work with Krayn. Mostly I help run his factories on Nar Shaddaa."

Xanatos looks interested. "I thought that Krayn was primarily a slave raider?"

"He is, and he sells most of them. The rest, he puts to work."

"Hmm. Is he fair when selling slaves?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, does he give you what you pay for, or does he try to pass off sick weaklings as healthy slaves and feign ignorance when they drop dead days later?"

I give him a wry smile. "I wouldn't be likely to speak ill of my employer, Xanatos. But yes, he gives you good slaves if you pay the price."

"I see. Perhaps I will begin purchasing my workers from Krayn, then. I find Gardulla the Hutt an exceedingly unsatisfactory source."

I snort. "Of course you do! No one in their right mind expects fairness from a Hutt."

"I suppose not," he agrees.

We're both silent for a moment. When the pause stretches out long enough to become awkward, I clear my throat and speak. "Look, when I came in, I felt-"

"Drawn to me?"

I nod.

"Yes, I felt the same."

"What does it mean?"

"Well… the Force drew us together."

"I figured that much out, thanks," I say shortly. What does he think I am, a youngling? "But why?"

Xanatos is silent for a moment. "I don't know," he admits.

"Well, there has to be a reason," I argue.

"Yes," he agrees. "Do you have any idea what it is?"

"Not… as such," I admit reluctantly.

"I don't either," he says.

I try to think of what Adi would say, or Yoda or Master Windu- any of the masters, for that matter. The answer jumps out at me soon enough, but it's thoroughly unappetizing. "The masters would tell us to meditate on it," I say wryly.

Xanatos snorts in amusement. "That never actually helped me solve anything," he says.

"Nor me, most of the time," I reply. "In fact, I'm half convinced that it was more to build patience than anything else."

"That makes a great deal of sense," he says, with a seriousness that throws me off for a moment. I had been half joking.

We talk for a while, ordering dinner and continuing our conversation. Despite the fact that they differ from my own, Xanatos expresses many thoughts and interests that I find fascinating.

After dinner we have a few drinks, and it's with real regret that I look at my timepiece and tell Xanatos that Krayn expects me back at the ship.

"Stay," he tells me. "Krayn doesn't own you, does he?"

"No one owns me," I say, perhaps a bit more firmly then necessary. "But it's not worth it to have him angry with me."

Xanatos raises an eyebrow. "I see. Well, I suppose I can walk you back to your ship, at least."

I smile. "Alright."

He pays the tab. I feel a little guilty for enjoying myself so much- I'm on an undercover mission; I'm not supposed to be having fun! But that's absurd, I tell myself. I've made a new friend, that's all. It's in the best interest of my mission. I've convinced him to do business with Krayn, and Offworld is rich. This might be the thing I need to win the slaver's trust.

Yes, Xanatos has done some horrible things in the past. I didn't trust him at first, but he mostly seems to have reformed. He claims to have no ill will against the Order any longer, at any rate. I'll watch him, make sure he isn't a threat. It's in the best interest of my mission.

"I had a good time tonight." Xanatos tells me as we reach the docking bay where Krayn's shuttle waits.

I roll my eyes. "You make it sound as if we just went out on a date."

"Didn't we?" He asks, a mischievous look on his face.

"Of course not!" I exclaim. "We just met!"

"Yes, we did, didn't we? But somehow, I feel as though I've known you for a very long time."

I feel the same way- but I dismiss his words as the meaningless platitude they obviously are. "That was a fairly bad pick-up line," I say wryly.

"It wasn't a pick-up line." Xanatos replies seriously, and for some reason I believe him. He means every word. "The Force binds us together, Zora."

I shake my head. Hearing him call me by my code name grounds me, reminds me that he doesn't know the real me. "That's just a silly romantic notion. The Force doesn't do things like that."

"Doesn't it? The Jedi don't want us to know that it does. They interpret the Force as it best suits them. Anything else is the temptation of the Dark Side."

"Perhaps that's what this is," I reply, forcing my mind to continue thinking rationally, not to simply melt under the power of his gaze.

Xanatos steps closer to me. "Do you trust the Force, Zora?"

"Yes," I reply, trying to ignore the discomfort I feel at having him this close to me. But despite my unease, I feel overwhelmingly that this is _right_.

"And do you think the Force would lead us astray?" he asks.

"The Dark Side-"

"The Dark Side exists only in our own choices. The fall to the Dark Side is a conscious one- I should know! Does this _feel_ like the Dark Side to you, Zora?" his eyes are blazing with intensity.

"I don't know," I say honestly. "I don't know what to think."

He nods. "And if you do come to accept that this is the will of the Force…?"

"I'll let you know."

He smiles. "I'll be in touch. I need to contact Krayn about some slaves."

There's a moment of silence. "Well, I need to be going." I say. "We're flying back to Nar Shaddaa tonight."

I turn, but he reaches out and takes my arm, stopping me. "Wait."

He takes another step forward, until his body is pressed against mine. I stand still, looking up into his eyes and trying to calm my pounding heart. Xanatos leans down and meet my lips with his. I hesitantly return the kiss, and when his tongue presses gently against my lips, I part them and allow him access.

I pull away after a few moments. "I really should be going."

He smiles. "I'll see you again." It isn't a question.

I nod. "Yes, you will."

-

To be continued. Please review.


	2. Just Believe This Is Real

Chapter 2- Just Believe This is Real

I'm hoping that this chapter isn't too awfully emo. My original draft was emo in the extreme, so to me this just seems so much better. If it is too angsty…. I apologize.

-

_I am _

_What I want you to want_

_What I want you to feel_

_But it's like _

_No matter what I do_

_I can't convince you_

_To just believe this is real_

_So I let go _

_Watching you_

_Turn your back like you always do_

_Face away and pretend that I'm not_

_But I'll be here _

'_Cause you're all I got._

_-Linkin Park_

-

(Siri)

The meeting with Xanatos is the best stroke of luck I could have had. True to his word, Xanatos contacts Krayn, and they manage to come to an agreement that is mutually profitable.

Krayn is pleased, and begins to trust me much more. It seems as though I've finally proved myself. He starts going on raids more often, and trusts me with overseeing the factories for longer periods of time.

I haven't seen Xanatos since that evening on Tatooine, but he's commed me several times. Krayn finds out about it, and _that_ isn't a pleasant encounter.

"You could have told me that you were dating our client, Zora," he challenges.

I sigh. "I'm not dating him. I can't help it if he's attracted to me," I say, trying to downplay the situation.

Krayn scowls. "You'd better not do anything to upset him. But if you can draw him in further… see that you do."

"Are you telling me to sleep with him just so he'll keep buying from us?" I ask indignantly.

"I'm telling you not to do anything that would cause us to loose this commission."

"I can handle my private life just fine, thanks." I say brusquely.

Later that day, I'm sitting in the guard's station on level twelve. Ostensibly, I'm supposed to be supervising production, but if I go out there and glower at the slaves it makes the guards nervous, causing them to beat the slaves more harshly, which decreases production even further. Glowering at the guards produces the same results, so I generally just sit around and make sure they don't forget I'm here.

I'm currently watching a soap on the holonet. A bright eyed, pretty Twi'lek girl is just declaring her undying love for some scruffy looking spacer when my comlink signals.

I mute the soap and answer. "Zora Jade."

"Hello," says a warm voice on the other end of the line.

I smile. "Xanatos."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm at work."

"Ah. Any chance Krayn will let you leave early?"

"Maybe. How early?"

"In… oh, let's say, forty-five minutes? Actually, better make it an hour."

"Why?"

"Because, I'm on Nal Hutta right now. I was here on business, and I thought I'd drop by and see you."

"Really?" I ask. "That's sweet."

Meanwhile, the spacer is saying something angrily, probably making a reference to how he's afraid to love again after his last wife's death, in a tragic accident that he could have prevented.

"So, when do you get off?"

"Uh… three more hours."

He makes a tsking noise. "Won't do. I'm starved. I want to eat as soon as I get there, and I want _you_ to have dinner with me."

"I have to supervise production," I say.

"Will Krayn not let you leave?"

I consider. I know I shouldn't go out with Xanatos- I'm too close to getting emotionally involved as it is. But Krayn may actually let me go, I realize as I remember what he had said to me earlier. He wants me to 'draw Xanatos in'. Pleasing Krayn is essential, so this dinner date may actually help me with my mission… "I'll ask him," I say.

"Good." Xanatos says; sounding pleased. "Where do you want to meet?"

"How about the Nag's Head? It's a bar just off the main drag, you can't miss it- they've got this big holoscreen sign. And there are usually some pretty good bands playing."

"Sounds good," he says. "I'll be there soon."

Xanatos cuts off the transmission. On the soap, the spacer has finally broken down and taken the Twi'lek in his arms, kissing her. At that moment, however, the door slides open and a tall Quermian walks in. The Quermian is the Twi'lek's adoptive son, I remember, who despises the spacer because he had caused the death of his biological parents. The Twi'lek doesn't know this, however, and the Quermian is just about to reveal everything…

I turn off the soap. "As though my real life doesn't have enough drama," I mutter.

-

Despite his earlier admonitions, it takes a little persuasion to get Krayn to let me go. Within a half hour, though, I arrive at the Nag's Head.

Saying that Krayn runs Nar Shaddaa is not an understatement. As one of his top employees, I have a certain amount of clout, which is why the hostess immediately shows me to a table, despite the line of beings waiting to be seated. They grumble, and I stay in-character by shooting a glare at them.

I'm sipping a drink when Xanatos enters and sits down at my table.

"Krayn let you leave, then?"

I nod. "Yeah. It wasn't easy to convince him, though. Production on level twelve increases when there's a supervisor. I keep telling him to put more workers on, but he won't."

"Of course not." Xanatos replies. "It sends the wrong message to the slaves if _you _pick up _their_ slack."

"I never thought of it that way." I say.

"A firm hand is needed with them. I don't deal with the slaves directly, but there was a time when I did."

I smile wryly. "Of course you don't. You're the rich, powerful CEO, correct?"

He smiles. "Precisely."

"So what does the rich, powerful CEO _do_ all day?"

"Well, lately he's been rather preoccupied with a certain young lady…" he teases.

I snort. _"Please._ I am hardly a lady."

"If you were, I doubt I'd be interested."

I smile. "Now, Xanatos. Surely a figure of intrigue and mystery such as yourself can flirt better than _that?_ You sound like the initiates in the saber class I helped out with a few years ago."

He feigns a hurt expression. "Are you saying that I flirt like an adolescent?"

"Maybe," I say, smiling coyly.

He gives me a mischievous look. "I assure you, I am quite accomplished in other areas. Perhaps you would like me to show you?"

I smirk. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

This is what I needed- just to be able to sit and talk with someone who cares about me. It's nice to be able to stop thinking about my mission for a while.

With a sinking feeling, I suddenly realize that I haven't acted the part with Xanatos. I haven't endangered my mission, but I have been acting far more like my true self than the identity I've assumed. Perhaps I've been so careless because I don't have an objective in my dealings with Xanatos- I'm friends with him because I honestly enjoy his company.

But clearly, this is more than just friendship, I realize. My heart sinks even further. This is _attachment_, or at least that's what it's well on its way to becoming. And attachment is forbidden, for good reason.

"Zora?"

I blink. "Sorry. I just… I'm a little tired," I say.

I know what I have to do. I have to end this relationship, before things get any worse.

-

We stay in the bar for a while. After we finish dinner, we order drinks and talk. My heart isn't really in it, though- my earlier thoughts have successfully put a damper on my good mood.

When we finally leave, Xanatos walks me to where I've parked my speeder.

"The night doesn't have to end here, you know," he says. "I was going to find a hotel to spend the night in- you could come with me."

I shake my head. "I need to get back."

"You said you didn't have to go back to work until tomorrow morning," he points out.

"No," I admit. "I don't. I just-"

"You just don't want to sleep with me," Xanatos says, not unkindly.

"It's not that I don't want to," I admit. "It's more that I shouldn't."

"Why not?" he asks, quirking an eyebrow.

"Because, I… I don't think we should see each other anymore," I say. "Not like this."

I see surprise and even something that might have been hurt flicker across his face; then he's calm again. "Why not?"

"I just don't think that it's a good idea for us to- to date, or whatever this is we're doing."

"And why is that?" Xanatos asks evenly.

I shake my head. "It wouldn't work."

"What makes you so certain?"

"This won't last, I know it won't." Eventually my mission will end, and I will return to the temple- yet another reason I need to end this now.

He moves closer to me. "Does it have to last? If we are doomed in the end, shouldn't we attempt to cheat fate as long as possible?"

"There is no fate," I reply without thinking. "There is only the Force."

Xanatos smiles. "And this is the will of the Force, " he says patiently.

"You don't know that."

"It was the Force that brought us together," he reminds me.

I shake my head wordlessly.

"You deny that that's what happened? We talked about this- the Force was what drew us together that night in the cantina."

"Yes, but-" I sigh in frustration. "This is just a bad idea."

"You don't want to be involved with me?" Xanatos asks.

"No, I don't," I say, not meeting his eyes.

"You're lying."

"You know what? I don't need to explain myself to you," I say angrily. "I don't want to be with you!"

Xanatos gives me a searching look. "No," he murmurs. "That's not it, is it? You're afraid to be involved with me."

My heart starts pounding. He's right. I hadn't even realized it until this moment, but he's right. I _am_ afraid.

I refuse to show it, though, so I scoff. "That's ridiculous."

"Why, Zora?" he asks gently. "Why are you afraid?"

_Because I'm lying to you about who I am, and you're going to hate me for it. Because the last time that I fell in love-_

_Woah._ I quickly slam the brakes on that thought. _I don't think about that,_ I remind myself.

Xanatos is still waiting for an answer. I decide the best course of action is to deflect. "Why do _you_ care so much?"

Emotion flickers in his eyes for a moment before his usual calm mask returns. "I just do," he replies.

I snort. "Well, that's your problem," I tell him.

Then I turn and walk away.

"Zora, wait. Zora!"

I don't listen to him. I go to my speeder, starting the engine and quickly speeding out onto the road. I drive swiftly away.

Eventually I reach Krayn's compound. I park near the residential buildings, but I stay inside the speeder.

I'm filled with a swirl of emotions, the strongest of which is regret about what I've just done. I tell myself that it was the right thing to do, but the thought provides little comfort.

I wonder if I'm also feeling regret for the past. This relationship with Xanatos seems to have dredged up old memories, which I cannot allow myself to dwell on. I made a promise, after all- a promise to forget.

_It never happened,_ I told myself sternly. _I've never _been_ in love before, because that never happened._

I heave a sigh. This night has really taken it out of me. Wearily, I exit my speeder, heading to my quarters, and to bed.

I dream first of the days I've pledged to forget, then of Xanatos and what might have been.

-

*Waves hand* Review, you will…


	3. Let's Take It Easy

Chapter 3- Let's Take It Easy

A/n: From here on in, spoilers for _Secrets of the Jedi_ will be cropping up here and there. This chapter also contains spoilers for Jedi Apprentice #7: _The Captive Temple_.

And I am _so sorry_ about the wait! I got bitten by some plot bunnies, which distracted me from this. I'm back on track now, and I'll try not to let it go more than a couple weeks between chapters.

_Can we climb this mountain? _

_I don't know _

_Higher now than ever before _

_I know we can make it if we take it slow _

_Let's take it easy _

_Easy now, watch it go_

_-The Killers_

-

(Siri)

I don't hear from Xanatos after that night. He doesn't comm me, and I lack the courage to contact him. I know that if I do, I'll have to explain myself- and in order to do that, I'll have to visit a part of my past I've promised not to remember.

But I have a more immediate dilemma at hand. I'm supposed to send a written report to the Council every standard month, and I haven't sent this month's yet.

I don't want to tell them about Xanatos. The relationship we had is hardly relevant to my mission, after all. And although it can't be denied that he's a criminal, I doubt he'll attack the Order again. Telling the Council he's alive would be the right thing to do, but they don't strictly _need_ to know, do they?

I know what will happen to Xanatos if the Council does become aware of him- he'll be arrested, and taken back to Coruscant for trial. He tried to destroy the Jedi Order, as well as ruining who knows how many worlds. With all that evidence, they could put him away for life.

The thought makes my heart ache, and I realize that I can't do that to him. I know it's the right thing to do. I know it's my duty. Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe I'm just confused.

Either way, I make no mention of Xanatos in my report to the Jedi Council.

-

A week later, Offworld's shipment of slaves is ready for pick-up. Xanatos will be coming personally to take them back to his company's mines. I hope I can avoid seeing him, but shortly before Xanatos is scheduled to arrive, Krayn informs me that he has to go off-planet.

"Where the hell are you going?" I ask.

"Down to Nal Hutta," he says, scowling.

"What for?" I demand. "You said yourself that Xanatos was an important client! What are you taking off for?"

"It's business, can't be avoided," he says, patting me on the shoulder. I grimace at him and pull away (I always try to discourage him from touching me, lest he get any ideas) but he's too preoccupied to notice. "I won't be back in time. You'll have to handle the transaction."

I don't like that idea at all. "Make Rashtah do it!"

"I'm taking him with me. You're gonna handle it."

"Can't you get someone else?"

He looks at me shrewdly. "Is there something you're not telling me, Zora? I thought that the two of you were seeing each other."

"Well, we aren't." I say flatly.

He laughs. "So that's it! He dumped you!"

"No, he didn't," I say.

"So you called it off?" I start to deny it, but Krayn ignores me. "Zora, I told you not to do anything that would upset him! Now you'll handle this transaction, and I better not hear that anything goes wrong."

Krayn stalks off, and I groan. "Perfect," I mutter.

Xanatos arrives less than an hour later. I greet him at the landing pad.

He looks surprised to see me. "Zora."

I give him a brief nod. "Xanatos."

There's an awkward silence. Seeing him again isn't easy. I'm still feeling regret, and my common sense- which would typically remind me that I had done the right thing- is unusually silent.

"C'mon," I say finally. "I'll show you the shipment."

We take the turbolift down to the 'cargo hold' where 'the shipment' is being kept. I lead Xanatos over to a set of large cells filled with slaves. "All these are yours. Two hundred and fifty."

I watch as he inspects the unfortunate beings. I know that the arrangement should bother me, but I've become somewhat desensitized to this business.

_Still, though,_ I tell myself. _Think of all the illegal activities Offworld is involved in. That's a good reason not to get involved with him, right?_

It's after I have this thought that I realize- I'm grasping at straws, looking for any reason _not_ to become involved with Xanatos. I'd thought I could end things before they got to this point, but when I think about it, I realize that I'm just running from my fears. That isn't right- isn't a Jedi supposed to _overcome_ their fears?

Xanatos turns to me. "They'll do nicely," he says, gesturing to the holding cells.

I nod. "Shall I have the guards transport them to your ship now?"

"Yes, that would be excellent," he says. "I've got staff onboard who can assist them."

I motion the cargo supervisor over and give him instructions to take the slaves to Xanatos' ship. After I finish giving him his orders, I turn back to Xanatos.

"Right, so you paid fifty percent up front…"

"Here's the rest," he says, handing me a credit chip.

I stuff it into my pocket without verifying the amount. Krayn will be livid if the total is incorrect, but at the moment I don't care.

"Is there anything else?" I ask.

"No, there isn't," he says shortly.

He's angry with me. Well, he has every right to be.

"Look…" I take a breath. Time to stop running from my fears. "I'm sorry for the way things turned out last time we saw each other. I'd like to explain."

He raises an eyebrow. "Alright, then. Explain."

I lower my voice. "Not here. Krayn has eyes and ears. We need to go somewhere private."

Without another word, I stride away towards the exit. We don't speak as we walk to the residential building where my quarters are located. We enter my room, and Xanatos looks around. He smirks, realizing where we are, but says nothing.

My quarters are small and simple- one room with a sleepcouch in the middle and computer console in the corner. A window on the far wall looks out onto the polluted city. I could probably convince Krayn to give me a nicer room, but I'm here so little that it really isn't an issue. Besides, I don't need any more than this.

I cross the room to sit at the computer console. I quickly enter the security system via a backdoor I'd left myself months ago and disable the sleeper bug Krayn has planted in my room.

"There." I say. "Now we can talk freely."

Xanatos nods, understanding. "Surveillance?"

"It only records if certain words pop up in conversation. Any mention of the Jedi would be sure to trigger it."

"Krayn has a grudge against them?"

I nod. "They've gotten in the way of some of his operations in the past," I say, purposefully choosing not to elaborate. This is, after all, dangerous ground to tread on, although my mission isn't to 'get in the way.' I'm only here to feed information back to the Council.

"So he doesn't know that you were in the Order?"

I snort. "Of course not."

"I see." He's silent for a moment, waiting for me to speak.

"Xanatos, I'm sorry for my behavior when we last saw each other," I say, taking a deep breath. "You were right. I am afraid to get involved with you."

He sighs. "And why is that?" His tone is uninterested, but I get the feeling it's an act.

"That actually requires somewhat of an explanation," I tell him, moving to sit on my sleepcouch. "Here, sit down."

He sits at the computer terminal, turning the chair so it faces me.

I begin my story. "When I was sixteen, my Master and I were sent on a mission with another Master-Padawan team. The other Padawan was a friend of mine, though we hadn't seen much of each other for a few years. At one point in the mission, we were separated from our Masters. During the time we spent together…" I hesitate. If I go on, my promise will be well and truly smashed.

And that's what scares me- dredging up these old memories. I worked so hard to push them down, to bury them deep… can I really undo all of that effort?

_I've got to,_ I realize. _If I want to overcome my fears._

"We fell in love," I say softly. "The other apprentice and I. And for a few days… it was amazing. We had all these hopes and dreams- we thought we were special, we thought we could somehow convince the Council to accept us…" I shake my head. "Foolish, really- but I guess it was the idealism of youth."

Xanatos looks at me silently, his expression an impassive mask. For the first time, it occurs to me that he may hear everything I have to say, laugh, and walk away.

_Even if he does… I have to do this. For my own sake._

"In the end, we had to accept that love wasn't enough to conquer everything," I went on a trifle bitterly. "For teenagers, that's not easy.

"When we returned to the Temple… I think he got a talking-to from his Master, and from Yoda. After that he told me what, deep down, I already knew- we couldn't be together. It wasn't the Jedi way."

Xanatos snorts a bit at that.

I shrug. "I was sixteen. You know what it's like, growing up in the Temple."

"Yes," he says, voice hard. "I know what it's like. All that pressure to be perfect, to uphold the Jedi ideals."

"That was what I wanted," I admit. "More than anything."

Xanatos merely nods, eyes far away. "What did you do?" he asks after a brief moment. "When the two of you acknowledged that you couldn't have a relationship?"

"I told him we had to act like it had never happened," I say. "That was nine years ago, and we've hardly talked since."

Neither one of us spoke for a moment. I'd expected that recounting this would upset me, but it hasn't. I feel strangely empty inside.

"So you're afraid to get involved with me because of that?"

"Yes. I'm afraid to fall in love again," I admit quietly.

"For fear that you'll be hurt as you were then?"

I nod. "I never really dealt with the pain. I was too busy pretending it hadn't happened," I say with a sad smile.

Xanatos nods. "This other Padawan," he said. "Is it anyone I might have known?"

I inwardly wince. Telling the truth, telling him it had been Obi-Wan Kenobi I'd fallen in love with, does _not_ seem like a good idea.

"I highly doubt it," I say. "Like you said, you were before my time."

"Yes," he says. "But I did observe Obi-Wan and his little friends briefly."

I don't say anything. Today seems to be a day for reliving past memories. Obi-Wan and I used to be close, and Xanatos had tried more than once to kill him.

"That was a very dark time for me," he says as if he knows what I'm thinking. "I did many things of which I am not proud."

It's not an apology. But it's probably the closest thing to it I'm going to get. "Can I ask you something?"

He nods. "Very well."

"You were going to blow up the Temple. What if you'd been caught inside? How did you know you could get away?"

He sighs. "I planned everything out. It was risky, but… well; I _did_ get away in time. Had I been trapped inside, though… as I said, it was a dark time for me. I considered my own death a small price to pay for revenge."

I take a moment to digest this. "What's the point of revenge if you're dead?"

He smiles. "Well, yes. In hindsight that's the obvious question. But… I was so angry back then. Caught up in something akin to idealism. You know… taking your enemy down with you, all that rot. Besides, then I couldn't have been tried for my crimes. A very compelling advantage of being dead," he adds with a grin.

"Yes, I suppose so."

"Now may I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Had I succeeded in destroying the Temple… would you be here now?"

I shake my head. "That was a few months before I was apprenticed. I was still an initiate then."

"Then I regret my actions even more," he says solemnly.

I'm not quite sure what to say to that. "I really am sorry for getting angry before."

"I know," Xanatos says.

He moves to sit next to me on the sleepcouch, putting his arm around me. I rest my head on his shoulder. I feel… safe. Like I can trust him.

But is pursuing this relationship really the best thing to do? I have everything to loose. I'm lying to him- if Xanatos ever finds out that I haven't left the Order after all, he may never forgive me. And if the Council ever finds out about this, I'll be in very serious trouble.

But I can't resist any longer. While I don't fully understand my feelings, I do know that I feel drawn to Xanatos in a way that I've never experienced before. Besides, the Council never has to know.

I turn my head in order to catch his lips with mine. It's a sweet, slow kiss at first, but soon it grows more passionate.

When we finally break for air, he's looking at me with such intensity that it takes my breath away- for in that moment; it feels like the Force itself is connecting us.

"Why is this happening?" I ask. "I mean, why us?"

He shakes his head. "I don't know. But… I trust the Force."

I smile. "So do I."

He takes me to dinner, and afterwards, to a small tucked-away bar. It's filled with nic-i-tan smoke and there's a band playing. I'm reminded of the cantina in Mos Eisely and smile at Xanatos. He smiles back, and I know he's having the same thought.

We drink and talk for a couple of hours. I drink a little too much- I'm not anywhere approaching drunk, but I'm feeling decidedly on the tipsy side as we step outside the bar late in the evening. Everything seems hilarious.

"You're drunk." Xanatos informs me as we walk down the street to the lot where we'd parked my speeder.

I giggle. "No I'm not! Not yet."

"Didn't you ever take that class on how to purge toxins from your system? I seem to recall that it was mandatory when I was a Padawan."

I laugh again. "Yeah…" I drawl. "I took the class. Passed with top marks."

"Then why are you drunk?" he asks, looking more amused than anything else.

"I'm not _drunk_," I explain through my laughter. "A little _tipsy_, maybe-"

"You're drunk," he says firmly. "You should cleanse your system."

I sigh. "But Xan… this is _fun._"

He raises an eyebrow at the nickname, but doesn't comment on it. "So are you going to make me baby-sit you for the rest of the night, then?"

"I never said you had to baby-sit me!" I protest.

He looks amused. "Yes, but we wouldn't want you to hurt yourself, now would we?"

"I'm not going to- ack!"

Xanatos eyes me from my new position on the ground. "I shall try very hard not to say I told you so."

"That curb came out of nowhere," I grouse as he helps me up.

"Perhaps, but I think I've made my point, don't you?"

"Very well," I reply sourly.

I take a deep breath, reaching out for the Force. I don't make the connection right away, so maybe I'm worse off than I'd thought. When I do manage it though, the link is strong and true. I intensify my awareness of myself, until I can feel my heartbeat, each breath I take, the blood racing through my veins. Focusing on the alcohol in my system, I encourage my body to increase its natural elimination process… there. That does it. "There we go," I say.

Xanatos smiles, looking amused. "Welcome back."

I wince, a bit embarrassed for my previous behavior.

We've reached the lot by then, and we both try to remember where we parked the speeder.

"Here it is," I say.

Xanatos takes the driver's seat before I can offer, and we talk and laugh the whole way back to Krayn's compound.

Xanatos parks in front of the building that houses my quarters, and it's with real regret that I say goodnight.

"Are you staying onplanet?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "I have to get back to Prynnash. We're behind schedule as it is, and my VP… can't really run things without me."

Prynnash is, I know, the location of Offworld. They have several bases in the Prynnash system, which is small and has little native life. Xanatos lives at the main base on Prynnash V, but I've never heard him call the place home.

"Alright," I say, somewhat relieved despite myself. I'd been trying to decide whether or not to invite him up to my quarters; now the decision has been made for me. "I'll talk to you later."

I kiss him goodbye and head towards my room. _Funny,_ I think, _I certainly don't think of _this_ as my home._ But of course I wouldn't. I have the Temple.

"Even if nobody knows it," I mutter as I enter the building.

I freeze as I hear movement behind me. Turning around, I see Rashtah standing in the shadows near the door. The razor-sharp bits of metal braided into his hair glint as he steps into the light.

"What are you doing here?" I snap, resentful at having been caught unawares. Not only that, but I'd been talking to myself- never a good habit for a Jedi, and a potentially disastrous one for an undercover operative.

Rashtah's reply is, as always, unintelligible. I sigh. "Hold on," I say, taking out my commlink and activating the translator function. "What did you say?"

_Turns out Krayn can handle everything on his own, _he says._ He sent me back to keep an eye on things._

"I can keep an eye on things," I reply sharply.

_Apparently not._

"What's that supposed to mean?"

_Krayn leaves you in charge and the first thing you do is go on a date. I'm surprised you're even back tonight._

"I do take my job _that_ seriously."

Rashtah grunts. The comm doesn't translate, and I hope it was merely a grunt- the translator function doesn't always pick up nonstandard words such as insults and swears.

"So is there a reason you've all but ambushed me?" I ask.

_Like I said, Krayn told me to keep an eye on things, _he says.

"That doesn't mean me," I protest, hoping I'm right.

_Doesn't it?_

I roll my eyes. "Fine, spy if you want to. I'm going to bed."

-

Review? Pretty please?


	4. Honey I Need You

Chapter 4: Honey I Need You

Yes, I filched a line from _Aladdin._ It was just too perfect to pass up.

There is now a link to the pertinent background info for this fic in my profile page.

A fact you might want to bear in mind when you're reading the scene where Siri's haggling with Krayn for time off: in the GFFA (that's the Galaxy Far, Far Away, AKA the Star Wars Universe) a standard week is five days, not seven. So it's not that big of a jump for Siri to counteroffer Krayn's proposal of three days with a week, because she's asking for five days, not seven. God, I am _such_ a nerd… _

-

_But oh, no, what else must I see?_

_It's all inside my head, I guess_

_But it reminds me_

_That I need you_

_Honey I need you_

_There ain't nobody who could supersede you_

_We're not such strangers_

_Honey I need you right now_

_-Jackie Green_

-

(Siri)

Xanatos and I talk almost every day for the next few weeks, and I find myself thinking about him more often than not. This, unfortunately, causes problems. Krayn makes it clear that he has no patience for my distraction, and I find myself all but jumping through hoops to get back into his good graces. I try pointing out that he himself had initially encouraged me to become involved with Xan. This proves to be a bad idea.

"Yes, I did," he admits. "But I didn't know that _you_ had feelings for _him._"

"I don't!" I tell him.

Krayn fixes me with a condescending look. "Wake up, Zora. You're useless to me like this."

He stalks off, and I groan. This is _not_ the way that things are supposed to turn out. I'm supposed to become invaluable to Krayn. He's supposed to _trust_ me. I've been more focused on myself lately, and on Xanatos, than on my mission.

That stops now, I tell myself. I won't neglect my mission any longer. I throw myself into my work, gathering every scrap of information that I can and sending detailed reports to the Council. I also work tirelessly on increasing production in the mines, especially on level twelve. Krayn even grudgingly compliments me for my renewed dedication. The slaves aren't getting treated any better than ever, but I hope that my mission's ultimate results will force the Senate to make an attempt to shut Krayn down, causing all the slaves to be freed.

Krayn may be happy with me, but Rashtah isn't, and lets me know as much one day.

_A bit inconsistent, aren't we Zora? Are you feeling guilty for your previous distraction?_

"My social life is none of your business," I respond tartly.

_Your social life is proving detrimental to your job._

"I've been a model employee!"

_As of late._

I frown. "What's that supposed to mean?"

_As I said, you're inconsistent. Krayn needs someone he can depend on._

"Oh, so that's it," I realize, surprised that I haven't seen it before. Then again, the fact that I don't speak Shyriiwook makes it impossible for me to pick up any inflections that might be in Rashtah's tone. "You're jealous. You're afraid I'll replace you as Krayn's second in command."

_Of course not._

"Well, you can rest easy. I'm not really interested in doing that."

He glares at me. _I don't trust you Zora. I'll be waiting for you to make a mistake. There's more to you than meets the eye, isn't there?_

I smile grimly. "Wouldn't you like to know."

I wonder if he would stab me in the back, given the chance. It seems likely. I suppose that's yet another thing for me to watch out for.

-

After a couple of weeks, I feel confident that I've regained Krayn's trust and respect. I still comm Xanatos when I have the time, and he seems pleased when I tell him this.

"Really, though," he remarks one day. "Why does Krayn's opinion matter so much to you?"

"Well, I don't want to get fired."

"Well, if you do… you could always come work for me."

"But… I don't know anything about the kind of mining you do. I mean, mining spice and mining metal is completely different, isn't it?"

"How much did you know about the slave trade when you started working for Krayn?" Xanatos asks. "You'd learn."

"Well, I'm not planning to get fired, so it doesn't really matter, does it?" I ask lightly.

"No, I suppose not. That is - you could come work for me anyway."

I allow myself to daydream for a moment. I'd live on Prynnash with Xanatos, who I'd be able to see everyday…

But it's a daydream only. It will never happen.

"Sorry," I say. "I've got a good thing going here."

"Alright," he says, sounding resigned. "Well, it was worth a shot."

I quickly change the subject, asking him how things are going with Offworld.

He sighs. "It's alright. Like I said, my VP is… a bit incompetent. He's got the potential, and the dedication, but doesn't apply himself. It's rather frustrating, actually."

This piques my curiosity. From what I can tell, Xanatos has little to no patience for beings that fail to live up to his standards- especially where his company is concerned. "It's good of you to keep him on anyway."

"I don't exactly have a choice."

"Oh? Why not?"

"Well, because… he's my son."

"Oh." I wasn't expecting _that_. "I, ah… didn't know you had children."

"Just the one."

I nod, before realizing he can't see me. "Is… his mother...?"

"No, no, she's- well, actually, she's dead now," Xanatos replies quickly. "But we were never- it was just one night. I was a still a Padawan- only sixteen."

"Wow. So, what, did she manage to track you down?"

"She did. I told her there wasn't much I could do to help her out, and we had little contact after that until I left the Order. Once I'd established myself, I set her and Granta up on a little out-of-the-way moon, provided for them and such."

"So… your son, is he Force-sensitive?" I ask curiously.

Xanatos pauses for a moment. "No, he isn't," he says. His tone sounds strained, terse.

"Oh," I say. I'm surprised- I know that if even only one parent is Force-sensitive, the child is almost certain to be. And with someone as strong in the Force as Xanatos- whose high Force-sensitivity had impressed the Council enough to allow him to begin training at the late age of three- I would think that it was certain. I'd have asked about it- but his tone of voice reminds me that it isn't _actually_ any of my business. "I see."

"Granta has a good head for business, though," Xanatos continues after a moment. "He's just under-confident. He'll learn."

This last statement is delivered with confidence- no, with certainty. I'm suddenly reminded of a mission that my master and I had gone on when I was twelve. We'd been sent to guard a politician on an obscure Core world who had been threatened by an unknown rival. At first threats had been the worst of it, but eventually there was an attempt made on his life. That was when we'd been sent in.

After three more assassination attempts, we'd finally traced the attacks back to his teenaged son. Adi had had me guard the young man until she could ascertain which of the politician's guards were loyal, and not on the son's payroll.

The boy, N'lor, had been very angry when he was found out, and having a girl five years his junior guarding him only added insult to injury. He'd yelled and raged at me for a while, and I'd soon abandoned my Jedi calm (far from perfect these days, it had been disgraceful when I was twelve) and shouted back. It was a few minutes before we fell silent.

"I wasn't even trying to kill him, not really," he'd finally said sullenly. "The assassins had orders to wound only."

"Well, maybe you'll avoid an attempted murder charge, then," I replied acerbically.

N'lor hadn't responded to that; he'd only stared at his bound hands in silence. He had been in a prison cell at the time, and my presence as guard had mostly been superfluous- in fact; I had felt a bit wounded when my Master had ordered me to stay behind.

But I'd felt a pang of sympathy for him at that moment. I could feel the hurt and despair radiating off him, beneath his self-loathing. I approached the cell until I stood as near as I could to the energy bars.

"N'lor?" I'd asked softly. "Why did you do it?"

"I had to," he replied just as quietly. "It was the only way to make him understand."

"Understand what?"

"Understand that I'm my own person! He- he just assumes that I'm going to be like him, be exactly like him, when I'm older. He won't even entertain the thought of any other possibility! He's raising me and teaching me by _his_ rules, _his_ ideals, and he can't see that that's not what I want! Although," he added with a snort. "You're a Jedi, so… I guess all that sounds perfectly natural to you."

It had, to a certain extent. "He should let you think for yourself, sure," I allowed. "But- I feel proud, honored, to be a Jedi. You don't feel the same way about being your father's son?"

He'd shaken his head at me. "You just don't get it, do you, kid?"

Thinking back on the conversation now, I frown. Why has _that_ memory surfaced? Surely Xanatos isn't anything like N'lor's father. "I'm… sure you're right," I tell him.

Maybe Xanatos has picked up on the shift in my mood, because he quickly changes the subject.

"So tell me, when was the last time Krayn gave you any time off?"

"Time off?" I repeat with a laugh. "I don't think Krayn believes in time off. It's a full time job, he says."

"That's unfortunate," Xanatos comments.

I bristle a bit at this. "It's not like I can't handle it."

"Of course you can," he replies smoothly. "Well, I suppose you like it better than being in the Order, at any rate."

I can't help it- the irony of this makes me laugh.

"What's so funny?" Xanatos asks, sounding peeved.

"Nothing," I say, sobering. My continued deception really is no laughing matter.

"The only reason I asked in the first place," Xanatos continues. "Was because I was wondering if you could persuade Krayn to give you a few days."

I sigh. "I don't think I should. You know how it is- this job is pretty competitive. I don't want to take a few days off and find out that I've been slandered and summarily dismissed in my absence."

"Come on. What's the worst that can happen if you ask him?"

"Well… I don't know- why are you asking, anyway?"

"I want to spend some time with you- more time than the odd evening out."

Frowning, I realize that we really have only seen each other twice since we met. It hardly seems possible, but there it is. "That would be nice, Xan."

(I'd asked him if he minded my use of the nickname. He'd indifferently replied that he didn't care, but I suspect that secretly, he likes it.)

"So, talk to Krayn about it," he says.

I bite my lip. I've pretty much exhausted the Xanatos-is-a-valuable-client-and-you-told-me-to-make-him-happy strategy with Krayn. I can get the time, I know. But the concerns I'd cited were real- what if I lost ground? Xan doesn't know how important this is to me- he thinks it's just a job.

After all, the better I perform on this mission, the sooner I can go back to the Temple.

_And I'll never see Xanatos again._

I freeze. The thought hasn't occurred to me before, but now that it does… I realize, with a pang, that I don't _want_ to part from him. I know now, without a doubt, that I've become attached. Xanatos has become a huge part of my life.

He isn't more important than my mission. But maybe to me, he's equally so.

I take a deep breath. "Okay," I reply. "I will."

-

As soon as Xan and I are done talking, I head for Krayn's office. Upon arrival, I present my thumbprint, retina, and voice for scanning before the door will open. I stroll inside.

"You know all that security's a real inconvenience to go through every time, right?" I ask.

Krayn barely looks up from his datapad. "Can I help you, Zora?"

"Yeah," I say, leaning against his desk. "I was wondering if I could get some time off."

He frowns. "Zora, this is a full-time job."

"Oh, come on! Surely you can live without me for a few days," I say with a grin.

"Is this about that boyfriend of yours?" Krayn demands, narrowing his eyes.

"He's not my boyfriend," I say patiently.

"Well, what is he, then?" he asks.

I hesitate. I'm actually not sure how to classify my relationship with Xan. "That's my business, isn't it? Now, about that time?"

Krayn sighs. "_If_ I were to give you some time, how much would you be looking for?"

"Two weeks?" I ask casually, knowing he'll never agree to that much.

Sure enough, he scowls. "Absolutely out of the question. Three days, at the most."

"One week then," I suggest.

He shakes his head. "Far too long."

"Without pay?" I offer.

Krayn visibly reconsiders for a moment, then fixes me with a glare. "One week," he says reluctantly. "Without pay."

I grin. "Thank you."

"You'd better let me know when you're taking it," he says in a manner that I expect is supposed to be menacing. "And if you say right now, or even tomorrow, I swear I'll-"

"I follow you," I say. "It'll be later on in the week, probably. I'll let you know."

-

I waste no time in comming Xan and telling him I've got a week to spend with him. He's thrilled; I am too. We haven't had the opportunity to spend too much time together over the course of our relationship- because I can at least admit that much now, that it _is_ a relationship.

I know the Council wouldn't approve, and I don't even want to think about how much trouble I'll be in if they find out that I know Xanatos is alive and am keeping it from them. But I'm lying to Xan, too, and how he would react if he found out that I'm still very much a Jedi is another thing I can't think about. Most of all, I know that I'll be phenomenally lucky if one or both of these situations don't come to pass.

But although these are huge worries for me, I manage to push them aside most of the time. After all, isn't a Jedi supposed to live in the moment? And worrying over these things isn't exactly going to help me with my mission.

Xan tells me that he'll fly to Nar Shaddaa in three days to pick me up. When I ask where we're going, he won't say- all he'll tell me is that it's a surprise.

My feelings for Xan have grown considerably. At first I'd commed him when I thought of it, and had been happy to talk to him when he commed me, but I hadn't felt the need to talk every day. When we'd argued, and hadn't spoken for over a week as a result, I had realized that his absence had left an empty spot in my life. We've been closer since then, and I now find myself missing him often. Despite the fact that both of us have rather busy schedules, we usually talk at least once every day- often for more than an hour.

So when my comm signals on the day before our trip, I half-expect it to be Xan.

"Zora," I say.

"Hey, girl!" a female voice says on the other end. "It's Drida. Can you talk?"

Oh. It's my proxy.

Her name isn't Drida- that's just her current code name. Her real name is Sandra. A Knight in her late twenties, she's the covert ops proxy for all of the undercover operatives in this part of the galaxy. As proxy, she serves as a go-between for the operatives and the Council, passing on their reports and concerns, and relaying the Council's instructions to us. She's also an emergency contact, so that we won't have to wait for the Council to send someone all the way from Coruscant in case of emergency.

I wonder why she's calling. Probably just to check up. Sandra's very devoted to her operatives.

"If you ever need anything, and I mean _anything_, don't hesitate to comm me. Even in the middle of the night, okay?" she'd said when we met. "I know you think you can handle your mission, and I'm sure that you can. But being undercover gets really tough sometimes. As far as the Council's concerned, I'm here for technical support. But I'm telling you right now, I'm here for moral support, too."

"Hi, Drida," I reply. "Hang on a minute."

Luckily, I'm currently in the factory's office building, which I know back to front- especially in regards to surveillance. I duck into a nearby conference room that I know isn't bugged, and lock the door.

"What's up, Sandra?" I ask promptly. My use of her real name tells her that we can speak freely.

"I was wondering how you were doing," she replies. The cheery voice of Drida is gone, replaced by Sandra's more serious tone.

"I'm fine," I say. "I've been making good progress."

"Yes, you've been sending a lot of reports to the Council lately," she observes.

What does she want, an explanation of why I'm suddenly performing so well? "Yeah," I agree. "I have."

Sandra is silent for a moment. "Look, Siri, I know how this goes. It's tough. You start out all optimistic; convinced you'll be just great. But then, reality sets in. Eventually you get used to the mission, and then you think you've slacked off during all that time when you were just acclimating."

"So… you think I've been overcompensating for my perceived failure?" I ask. "Sandra, it's been a year. I'm well used to the mission by now. I've just been more productive lately. That's all."

"I just want to make sure you were okay," she says.

"I'm fine," I reply.

"Fine as in good?"

"Fine as in good."

"Well, hang in there," she advises. "You're doing very well."

"Thanks."

"Who knows? Maybe you have a future in covert ops."

I don't think so, and I start to say it. But then a thought hits me. What if I _do_ go into covert ops? What if I become a proxy like Sandra? The covert ops proxies virtually never go back to the Temple, so I'd be fairly independent. And I could still see Xan, maybe…

"Yeah," I say. "Maybe I do."

We say our goodbyes, but now I'm distracted. The idea of going into covert ops long-term is an enticing one. I can't drag this mission out forever, after all. Especially since it's very probably going to prove vital to my future as a Jedi.

I try not to let myself expect it, but the fact of the matter is that senior Padawans my age (nearly twenty-six) are usually not sent on these sort of long, exhaustive missions for the good of the galaxy alone. It's always, _always_ some sort of test or trial for the apprentice involved- a trial that, if passed, almost invariably leads to Knighthood.

Of course, I can't become a proxy if I'm still a Padawan. In fact, my master's numerous ties to Coruscant mean that we frequently remain onplanet… which would make it impossible to keep seeing Xan.

If I do well on this mission, I'll get Knighted, and will be able to go into covert ops. _And maybe, somehow, I can keep seeing him._

I stop these thoughts. They're insidious whispers, far too attractive. My training has taught me to be cautious of such thoughts, has taught me that they're of the dark side.

But that's not what they feel like at all.

-

The next morning I'm waiting out on the platform as Xanatos lands. Last time he arrived in a freighter, but the ship he's flying now is a luxury cruiser. It looks to be _very_ expensive, and I wonder how posh the interior is.

The ramp lowers and Xan comes down to meet me. He smiles widely, giving me a quick once-over. I've gone without most of my Zora outfit, wearing just a black unisuit and utility belt. My face is clean, and my hair is free of both grease and ornamentation, back to its natural appearance save for the red dye.

Xan greets me with a kiss and an embrace. "I missed you," he says.

"Me too," I reply. I'm happy, but that happiness is paired with the familiar guilt. _I'm lying to him._

"Shall we?" Xanatos asks, picking up the small bag I've packed.

"Sure," I say. "Nice ship, by the way."

"Offworld sells to many powerful beings," he tells me as we board. "The ship was a gift from one of them- a little incentive to do business with her, and not her competitor."

The interior is suitably extravagant, complete with several fairly roomy cabins and a lounge. The cockpit is impressive as well. I check out the computer after we take off, which informs me that the ship is also bristling with weaponry. I raise an eyebrow when I discover this.

"I've modified it a bit," Xanatos explains, swiveling the pilot's chair around to face me at the console. "One can never be too careful."

I smile at him. This is consistent with what Obi-Wan has told me about him, and I say so.

He smiles grimly. "I always like to have a back door."

"That's smart," I say, turning back to the computer. "Hey, it doesn't have a cloaking device, does it?" I ask out of sheer curiosity. That would _really_ impress me.

"No," Xan says, sounding distracted. Sure enough, after a moment, he asks, "What was your relationship with Obi-Wan, exactly?"

I slowly turn my chair around to face him. "We… were friends, as Padawans," I say. "It was funny, because we never got along when we were growing up. But then we went on some missions together, and… he grew on me."

Xan looks displeased. I wonder why; then I realize that I'm smiling. I stop, feeling slightly guilty. There's no reason why I should, though. Xanatos' past with Obi-Wan has nothing to do with me.

"Is friends all you were?" he asks me.

I swear mentally. Xanatos suspects that Obi-Wan is the one I had fallen in love with. I'd lied to him when I'd told him he didn't know the person I'd had feelings for. I feel a resurgence of guilt.

_I have no choice but to lie to him about remaining in the Order_, I think. _But in this case, there_ is_ a choice before me._

I take a breath. "No," I say. "I'm sorry, I lied to you before. Obi-Wan… was the one I fell in love with."

Xanatos purses his lips. "I suspected as much."

This surprises me. "You did?"

"I had a feeling," he says dryly. "I suspected that there was something you weren't telling me."

"I'm sorry I lied," I say guiltily. "I didn't think you'd react well to the truth."

Xan sighs. "Well, I don't like the thought of it," he admits. "But, you were young. And I take it that-" Here he pauses delicately. "You have no feelings for him anymore?"

"No," I say. "I loved him once. I had to let go of that love, and I did."

He nods, looking thoughtful. "Then it is in the past. If you are not bothered by my past, I certainly can find no fault with yours."

Relief fills me. He's alright with it. It won't affect the way he feels about me.

Xanatos turns to the navicomputer, but the computer in front of me pings insistently before he gets far. I turn to the screen.

"We're receiving a transmission from Prynnash," I say.

"That'll be for me, then."

I vacate the chair, and Xan takes my place. I wonder if I should give him some privacy, but since he doesn't ask me to, I take a seat in the co-pilot's chair. I haven't seen much of Xanatos the CEO, and I'm curious.

He accepts the transmission and a hologram pops up on the cockpit's holoprojector.

"Go ahead, Granta," he sighs.

My eyebrows raise. It's his son calling? Now I'm glad I stayed. I study the projection. It's in holographic shades of blue and white, not color, but the image is clear enough. Granta is tall and slender, pale and dark-haired like his father. His clothing is dark also, and I'm willing to bet he's dressed in black as Xan always is. The image isn't detailed, but if he was born when Xanatos was sixteen he can't be too much younger than I am.

"There's a problem with the Hutt's loan," Granta says.

"What kind of problem?"

"I'm not sure, they wouldn't say. They want to talk to you."

"Did you tell them I'm offplanet?" Xanatos asks impatiently.

"Yes," Granta replies. "But they insisted…"

"Granta…" he sighs. "You have got to learn to work with them."

"I'm sorry, Father, but it isn't my fault if they refuse to talk to me, is it?"

Xan sighs again, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Very well… I'll be there within the hour."

And with that, he cuts the transmission.

"I'm afraid we're going to have to go to Prynnash," he tells me.

"That's fine," I assure him.

"It's in the right direction, thankfully. We won't have to go too far out of our way, and once we get there we shouldn't be held up for too long. I expect I'll be able to straighten this out fairly quickly, and then we can be on our way."

Xan returns his attention to the navicomputer, and once we've made the jump to hyperspace I use some choice words to describe the Hutts. He smiles.

"That sums them up pretty nicely. Still, though…" Xanatos sighs; looking troubled. "I first took Granta to Nal Hutta with me when he was fourteen years old! He even speaks Huttese, which is more than I do. But he just doesn't know how to handle them!"

"Neither do I," I say with a shrug. "I can't stand 'em. Every Hutt I've ever met figured out almost right away that I ha- disliked them."

Xanatos raises an eyebrow at my stumble.

"Old habits," I tell him with a shrug. I can still hear Yoda: _A very strong word, hate is._ Or at least that's what he told the younglings who proclaimed their 'hate' for whatever leafy vegetable was being served for evening meal that night. Everyone else got the _hate leads to suffering_ maxim.

_As do lies,_ I think. _I'm in a horrible mess; there is a very slim chance that this is going to end well._

I release my anxiety to the Force before it can fill me. My worries are irrelevant right now. I should be focusing on the moment. I'm here, with Xanatos, and that's what matters.

But I can't help but wonder how long we're going to last.

-

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